The Spider

Well I seen a little spider but’e quickly disappeared,

An’ cause ‘e done it all s’quick I feared e‘s in me beard.

So I taken off me tie ‘n I loosened up me collar,

An’ when ‘e weren’t nowhere to see I started out to holler.

That quick I shed me shirt ‘n pants and’ hopped ‘n jumped about,

An’ tho it dit’n do no good the louder did I shout.

Well now I’d drawed me quite a crowd, jes’ like a bloody band,

An’ whilst they stood’n gawped ‘n gaped, nobody lent a hand.

So things was well beyond control when I’d shed all but skivvies,

An’ when a lady tuk t’scream I headed for the privy.

Then I got down to business sure n’donned me birthday suit,

It weren’t too hot ‘n it weren’t too cold, ‘n I dit’n give a hoot.

By chance of fate a rusty rake head lay upon the seat,

So I grabbed ‘er up ‘n set t’work t’comb me whiskers neat.

Well, I dit’n find me spider tho me beard I’d surely torn it,

Whilst up above all most unseen watched one big ugly hornet.

He seen that whilst I’s occupied I couldn’t guard me back,

So to the hilt me derriere received ‘is damned attack.

Me eye got wide ‘n me jaw went slack ‘n I let out quite a squall,

‘n havin’ dumbly latched the door, I left out through the wall.

Me neighbors still yet milled about but I scattered and dispersed ‘em;

The air turned blue with cussin’ gems as if I had rehearsed ‘em.

Up the hill ‘n down the hill me passenger stayed with me,

‘n fifteen times ‘e stabbed me arse ‘n with ‘is poison blessed me.

“e dit’n seem to like the pond I chose t’skinny dip in,

So whilst’e left I stayed submerged, the pond t’cool me hip in.

T’was late at night when I sneaked home nude as a flamin’ jaybird,

Such swollen arse ‘n damaged feet, there ain’t no fitting word.

I donned me drawers ‘n straightaway dug deep into me trunk,

‘n fetchin’ out me nectar jug I set out t’get drunk.

Me peaceful front porch soothed me nerves as I sipped upon me glider;

When’t last me beard drooped to me chest, out strolled that bloody spider!

June 1979


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